Will dial up make you happy? No, Dial up can't make you happy. All it can do is connect you to the internet. It is up to you to make yourself happy. Float on the wings of angels. Soar with the crickets and other winged beasts of this great world.

 But never expect dial up to make you happy. It can't make you happy. Just keep that in mind. On the reservation.

In the trees.

Running with the wild bobcats through the streets of new jersey, Dial Up can't make you happy.

But it can make me happy. 

Sometimes the ideas just don't come. You can't just dial up the creativity. I'm at my computer, tired, wasting time stumbling around without getting any motivation. This is bad, folks. I want to write beautiful sonnets like Spenser and create works that are the benchmark for all things creative, like Shakespeare did.

But my writings are often bizarre enough to give one the impression of a bad LSD trip or they are boringly technical. I overanalyze every single little word. And to write about dial up internet. It's not exactly the most exciting thing in the world.

But it's my job, I suppose, to write about dial up. It is my cross to bear. I chose this path. And that leads me to the question of WHY:

"The unexamined life is not worth living." Tony the Tiger said that before he overdosed in a hotel room. It makes me wonder if he himself examined his life. Why? Why do I write? Maybe I do it for myself. Maybe I'm writing about dial up for you. Maybe I'm doing it to generate fresh content so Google will like my pages better and this little SEO experiment will go better. Who knows? Did I say SEO? No, I don't think I did. Phew, because I've heard that stumblers can be pretty mean to SEO sites.

Image by biblicone

That guy is the only guy I have ever loved. You know him. That guys is probably sitting in the cubicle next to yours. Maybe he's that shouting parent at the Little League Game that is about to assault his child's coach with an child-sized Louisville Slugger. If that guy were an internet connection, he'd be blazing down the information super highway at speeds upwards of 36.6kbs.

We all know him, although most of us hate him.

We need That Guy. Me, you, everyone. If it weren't for That Guy the world would come crashing down around us. Okay, maybe not quite, but life would be a lot more boring.

Example: That guy in a turquoise '87 Mercury Topaz turns out into road right in front of you only to drive 20 mph for the rest of your commute. Who becomes the topic of conversation for the rest of your day? That guy!

And when you're in the checkout line and the old lady demands to pay for her 2 oranges in pennies, who again captures the conversation? That guy! Or, well, close enough.

That guy is probably the only thing interesting happening in your life. If you weren't thinking about him, you'd be thinking about YOU.

Image By colros

You see That Guy order 3 Big Macs with extra mayo, 4 supersized fries, and 2 large diet cokes and then proceed to sit by himself in the corner of McDonald's. You think to yourself, “Wow, my life isn't so bad. I could lose a couple pounds, but man... That Guy... wow. And I have friends/a wife/girlfriend/kids/pet/computer. That guy has nobody. I can't wait until I tell my friends/wife/girlfriend/kids/pet/computerfriends (who don't count as real friends, no matter how many hours you talked on AIM and no it doesn't matter that you're the only one she can open up to and she can't express herself to anyone else like that... it's online. That equals NOT REAL. Anyways...) about That Guy at McDonald's!”

Without That Guy, you order your Big Mac, fries, and regular coke and think the whole time, “wow... I should really start running. Maybe tomorrow.” But of course you don't and you continue to work your desk job, avoid exercise like the plague, eat fast food and bloat until no one loves you except your McDonald's food and you become That Guy.

My whole point is that That Guy provides an invaluable service: He is an object of derision that provides entertainment and topics of conversation for hours on end. We need him. Without That Guy, we become the objects of derision that provide entertainment for others. That guy is the scape goat, taking our sins. He is the Armus skin of evil, taking our nerddom (5 points if you can name that show), he is the Giver, shielding us from true introspection. That guy has always existed to be society's chamber pot and without him we would become our own chamber pots. Not a pretty picture.

 

Image by isolatediguana

So next time you see That Guy, be nice to him. When That Guy cuts you off, flip him the bird with a smile. When That Guy gets his three Baconators, buy him a frosty. When the lady is writing a check for $.79 to pay for her oranges, slap some unsorted change on the counter and offer to buy them for her..

These are the moments that define who we are. We want to conserve gas by driving slow. We want to gorge ourselves. We want to save money. But we can't, and it's not healthy. We have That Guy to show us the meaning of the phrase, “Be Careful What You Wish For, but only if you're a jackass”.

 

1. Trying to see a naked woman takes way too long.
2. When trying to network with people, all I ever hear are annoying hissing sounds.
3. Just when I think I’m getting my life back online, I’ve got to stop, hang up, and try again.
4. Sunday afternoons are like trying to stream last night’s episode of Lost. I don’t want it to end but at the same time I wish it would just hurry the hell up.
5. I try to join other peoples’ games, but no one wants to play with me.
6. My popularity peaked in 1999.
7. I enjoy going 56.6 miles per hour on the highway.
8. “Dude, I didn’t know they made those anymore” applies to both my modem and most of my clothes.

Don't you want to be me?

Photo by sasquash_0

 

1. I’m sexy like Ziggy Stardust

Image by friendofdurutti

 

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