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Do you ever get the feeling that someone out there is giving these tips to your customers, friends, and family? I worked for a dial up internet company in 2007 and this was the status quo.

1. Never restart your computer

Restarting your computer is dangerous and should only be done under the direction of a trained technician. There's the remote possibility that your problem is just a quirk with Windows, but you had better call into tech support so they can walk you through the rebooting process anyhow.

2. If you don’t know what OS you have, make your best guess

If you are not sure if you have Windows 97 or Windows 2000 XP, go ahead and give the technician both answers. This gives him all the information he needs to develop an effective troubleshooting strategy.      

3. You need antivirus software

All you need is to have an antivirus program installed on your computer. If you have updated your Norton or McAfee anytime since 1997, you’re good to go. The 30 day trial that came with your Dell is actually good for several years. AdAware does the trick too.

4. Briefly summarize your problem

To save time, when you explain to the technician what your problem is, make sure to leave out trivial information such as recent storms, error messages, and any repairs you have already attempted yourself.

5. Don’t waste time checking the number you’re dialing

If you call into tech support and you hear the voicemail system of a company you didn’t call, don’t worry. Even if the technician can’t find your information in his system, insist you are a customer and ask to speak to someone who knows how to operate their computer.

6. Your tech will make fun of you

Did you spill milk into your open computer? Did your laptop take a swim? Don’t tell the tech. He will probably put you on mute and laugh with his buddies. Just like in #4, he doesn’t need that information anyway.

7. Computer tech people are poorly trained

If you are pretty sure how to fix a problem, call in to technical support, but do NOT follow their directions. Instead, keep them on the line while you take care of it yourself. Make sure to every once in a while accuse them of playing solitaire and note listening, just to keep them on their toes.

8. Don't give out too much personal information

Technicians sometimes fish for too much information. You don't have to tell them anything about what religious icons you have sitting on top of your desk.

9. Get your exercise

If you don’t have access to a telephone or cell phone near your computer, don’t worry. Any technician will be more than happy to relay the instructions to you one step at a time while you run upstairs to execute the task.

WARNING! Following the above advice may lead to your own spleen being force-fed to you through the telephone.

[Update]

I fixed the comments.